Starting from scratch because I deserve it and I’m tired of settling and being made to put up with shit from someone who claims to care because now quite frankly I’m fed up of fighting for something/someone who has no fucking clue how to even be a good person without straining their mental muscles. Its not fucking arithmetic. I might still care, barely if anything, but I’m not in love anymore. And for once I’m glad.
I think I’ve found the “A” in asshole.
There’s just no metaphor or simile for any of it.
What runs through my mind is just a sequence and chain of patterns and thoughts and memories and noise.
A lot of noise.
Sometimes so physical it consumes me.
I feel like I’m trying to walk through a brick wall.
Or trying to resurface with concrete slabs tied to my ankles making it harder to swim.
Its become impossible to stay afloat.
I struggled for what I thought was true love, and I opened pandoras box.
Here I’m struggling to even know who or what I am.
But I’m not stupid. Just because I don’t say it doesn’t mean I don’t know it.
Its all around us.
Anger is the only feeling I seem to be exhibiting nowadays.
Anger along with a nice mix of other emotions makes me the right equivalent of a bitch amongst other things.
Because I don’t care, not even half as much as I used to.
And a majority of the time I don’t feel anything besides this.
Deeply deeply wounded and quite frankly I’ve never felt so hurt in my life.
Because its the type of pain I feel all over my body.
Every little cell.
And its the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel half as much as this.
A part of me, a very significant part of me will always be angry and always hate you.
Because I still see how you take me for granted. I’m not always going to be there despite what you think.
I’m seeing you for the first time through the eyes of someone who doesn’t love you.
And one day eventually all these strong emotions will consume me and I’ll walk away and let myself be happy or my own or in the arms of someone who knows my worth. This time I won’t look back.
Actions speak louder than words.
I’m not prepared to stand by and lose myself because of you.
Or because of us.
Although, I feel like the person I was, is dead.
And I’m just mourning her.